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i had this friend when i was just turning into a woman. a young woman actually. i just had found the secrets of make up as well as secretive boys, and i was beginning to let my hair down. as my transformation was blooming, i met one of my closest friends. he was a boy turning into a man, a charming young man; yet still older than i.

We had met at school between a mutual class. it was a class i really hated because i had to wear this ugly ill-fitting, military uniform. it was completely embarrassing, i hated that class and dreaded every wednesday. surprisingly that was one of the few classes i passed. as i had let on earlier this is the class my friend and i had together. he was one year older so his post was above me, i didn't exactly start off on good terms with him. he yelled at me during drills, laughed at my baggy pant suits, marked off points accordingly like a true captain would do and he was really cocky. he would pick at people with small attitudes, perhaps to toughen them up or because he was still just kind of a boy. he was extremely good looking and he knew it. he wore his handsome face with pride and had a swagger to his step. he'd flirt with girls without trying, and they flocked to him feeling safe and content. i began to understand why all the girls in my class liked him. when he starts to talk to you with his strong jaw bone, and he is truly interested in you; all his attention is focused into this intense awe just directed at you. and you think to yourself, "why would he be talking to me?" he would or wouldn't. that's it, he didn't bullshit with politeness, and knowing this, his attention was a rare and honest thing. he was a smooth talker and an easy listener. as they say bird with the same feather flock together. i was a girl curious about boys. i fell in love with my captain.

i didn't fall in love with him so quickly though. i first became best friends with him. it was a slow process. every night he'd sneak in the room me and another friend would be waiting for him innocently. Because we had just begun to grow, sex didn't even really cross our minds; just being in a room with the opposite sex was enough. we snuck out daily to meet each other, to basically do nothing at all. it might seem romantic, but in fact it was naive and child like.
that's when i started to fall in love. when the barriers started to come down. we were all getting more and more comfortable with each other. we would cry on each-others shoulders if our home life was becoming unbearable. we would pour out truths if everything seemed too damned difficult to hide. and when it became to hard to wake up we would sleep on the other side of the each others bed. we were a pack and we ran together. we roamed the neighborhood and ruled the rooftops together.

friendships became stronger and friendly feelings started to rollover in other waves. i began to sink under my growing infatuation. he didn't seem to mind; if we got a little too tipsy we would kiss lightly, when he stared down at me my cheeks would blush under his eyes, and when he would lay his hand on mine so sweetly i saw stars. i could tell he was changing, hanging out with us let him do so. you could say it was on my own fault that i became heartbroken. after perhaps a little more than a year of fancying him, he came out to me.
the love of my life told me that my gender wasn't to any interest in him. in fact, he would rather willingly love a man instead. a large, hairy, smelly, penis wearing man. if anything; what i could do was minimal, and maybe even disgusting. i wasn't exactly surprised when he told me he was homosexual; i had thought he was for a while, but to realize i never really had a chance just made it more bitter. i didn't handle it well, i wanted to be alone. i couldn't face him, he knew of my affection. i know to this day he did, that's just how he is. that smug cocky man. he led me on because he felt more handsome. i don't mind now, but then i was so angry at him. he didn't even think twice about me. i was just some... little girl. didn't matter if i was a woman either. he wanted a strong man. i couldn't be one for him.

i came around after awhile. i didn't reject him for his sexuality... even though that's basically what had happened to me. but i licked my wounds and hopped back into the circle with the new-found knowledge of Manny being gay. we ruled the rooftops still and ran at night. in retrospect i think i took it well. at least compared to his family i did. i remember this one time, a few weeks of him telling me he and his family had this BIG fight. i was waiting for him in his car, he kept it running just in case "in case of what?"

"just in case."

as i was turning the knob to the radio i heard screaming. i turned off the fm sound and louder and louder the yelling became. there was a silence and i heard Manny shout really loud and broken. hearing him like that made me want to get out of my seat and to help him but before i could i heard something like a bang and i saw Manny run out towards the car. he was crying and we raced away, away from his house and away from the people whom i wasn't.

i think that's why he reached out to us. he needed to... be who he is. im not saying Manny is gay because of our friends. He would've came out eventually of course. im just realizing that that young woman fell in love with her best friend because he, by accepting himself, he fell in love with us.